I like washing the TV very much

I teach English on Saturday mornings to about 25 students ages 16 to 54. It's a very diverse group, but they are all excited to be learning English. Their homework this week was to write a paragraph describing themselves. Here are some of my favorites:

My name is Barry. I have 19 years old and teint black. I am a short boy. I am also fat boy, a big head and small eyes et black hair. I have a small mouth. 

Sounds like such an attractive young man. 

I like washing the TV very much

Hopefully he unplugs it first or doesn't use water.

Firsty, I'm a present...

???

I'm black boy. I like the childs.

In the US this would send up so many red flags.

I've got black hair and white eyes

Not sure why this was the most common descriptive phrase used.

I'm not married so my best friend come to divorced with her wife because she is always hungry...I's sunny and in my bedroom, I'm hot. I hope you haven't forgotten me?...I'm not so greedy after all. I just like food....I dream to fly in America.

Not sure what I can even say about this.

My name is Camara Mohamed Aissata II. I'm a young man, I'm a single. I'm a nice man, a smart man. I'm a pretty boy, I'm a jealous man. 

At least one student can write positive things about himself. I hope this wasn't a come-on.

I am a little ugly. I have a small mouth and short eyes.

Again, what is with Guinean self deprecation / honesty. 

I want to travel in America to so sea in Salematou a house. NB: I like my mistress Salematou beaucoup. She is taught very good the lecons in English. 

NB stands for Notez Bien. I think she is sucking up so that I invite her to America to "sea" my house.